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| George Carlin |
| As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. |
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. |
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. |
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. |
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. |
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. |
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? |
It's never just a game when you're winning. |
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. |
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." |
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. |
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. |
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. |
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. |
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? |
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? |
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free. |