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Steven Wright |
| Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. |
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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. |
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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. |
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. |
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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. |
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I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. |
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If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? |
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It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. |
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. |
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?' |
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. |
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. |
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There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. |
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' |
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You can't have everything. Where would you put it? |
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