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Woody Allen |
| As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. |
Eighty percent of success is showing up. |
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. |
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. |
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? |
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size? |
I am at two with nature. |
| I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying. |
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. |
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. |
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. |
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. |
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. |
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. |
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. |
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. |
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. |
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. |
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. |
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers. |
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. |
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. |
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down. |
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. |
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? |
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. |
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? |
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. |
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? |
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. |
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